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  Featured Joke

Excuses for sleeping in your cube
It's okay...I'm still billing the client.
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter, not harder.
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance
I'm in the management training program
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work! "
I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?
" Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broke.... Someone must've put decaf. in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?
I was cross-training for telecommuting.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
I wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

Sent in by: SLeimkuhl

 

 


 

Real notes written from parents in a Texas school district.
>
> Original spellings left intact: "Excuse Notes  from Parents"
>  These are actual excuse notes from parents  (including original
>  spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh,
>  University Texas Medical
>  Branch  @ Galveston

 My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
 Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

 Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,  30, 31, 32, and also 33.
>
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
>
 John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his  face.
>
 Carlos was absent yesterday because he was  playing football. He  was hurt in the growing part.
>
Megan could not come to school today because  she has been bothered by very close veins.
>
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre  in his side.

 Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has  very loose vowels.
>
Please excuse Pedro from being absent  yesterday. He had  (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]
>
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
>
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
>
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
>
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.  We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
>
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
>
My daughter was absent yesterday because she  was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
>
Please excuse Jason for being absent  yesterday.  He had a cold and could not breed well.
>
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
>
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
>
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.  Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Forwarded by: Dyna A. of Mesquite

THE VAN GOGH FAMILY OF THE PHILIPPINES
>
>Grandpa who was tortured during World War II - Na Lahti Gogh
>A happy cousin who likes to sing - La Sing Gogh
>In-law who is serving time in Muntinlupa - Vinny Lang Gogh
>The dermatologist aunt - Dr. Kuh Lou Gogh
>The olympian athlete niece - Reddy Ghetzett Gogh
>The cousin who sells sweepstakes tickets -Vino Bolah Salin' Gogh
>Uncle who works at the Race Track - And Deer Deeh Gogh
>The gourmet uncle from Hawaii - Haluhalu Widsa Gogh
>The Uncle who left his wife - Pleez Don Gogh
>The wife who left uncle - I Vana Gogh
>The ballroom dancer aunt - Tan Gogh
>Overstaying relative in America - Tagoh Nang Tah Gogh
>Retarded niece who everyone was ashamed of - Tina Gogh
>Vegetarian uncle - Mung Gogh
>Auntie who is producer of violent films - Purudu Gogh
>Cousins who works at Manila Zoo - Chong Gogh
>Rich uncle who owns chain of fast food restaurants - Order to Gogh
>Nephew working on a ranch and drives a stage coach - Wells Far Gogh
>Homeless relative -Ahyaw Ma Lee Gogh
>Cousin who graduated from PMA and always leads a coup - Grin Gogh
>Cousin dumped by a girlfriend- Bee Gogh
>The Van Gogh family pinoy talk show - Showbiz Lin Gogh
>The Van Gogh family favorite fish - Besuh Gogh
>Relative who practices "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" - Lee Goh Nang Lee Gogh
>Relative who does not practice "Cleanliness is next to Godliness"-Dinah Lee Lee Gogh
>Cousin who is always out on weekends - Gogh Nang Gogh
>What to say when you invite the Van Goh family out - Let's Gogh
>Accident prone relative - Puro Bong Gogh
>The relative who moved to Yugoslavia - Yu Gogh
>The brother who bleeched his clothes white - Hue Gogh
>The sister who likes dancing in bars - AhGo Gogh
>The brother who ate a lot of prunes - Gotta Gogh
>The uncle who works in a convenience store - Stop N Gogh
>The aunt who is scared of heights - Verti Gogh
>The Mexican cousin who moved to Illinois - Chica Gogh
>Favorite fruit of the Van Gogh family - Mang Gogh
>Latest addition to the family - Bah Gogh
>Just arrived grandparent not getting due respect from american "apos" -Naniniba Gogh
>Black sheep of Van Gogh family - Bar Room Bah Gogh or Tah Ran Tah Gogh
>Those who don't get these jokes after reading it for the second time -Ma Nga Ga Gogh
>Those who don't get these jokes at all - Pinaka Ga Gogh
>Those who don't like these jokes at all - Please Gogh

Sent in by Pinky Valera of Rowlett & DMagtoto>

Y2K Compliant

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I  have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company  calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and  are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!! >>
Forwarded by KKAIA

The Right Man For the Job

The CIA  A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious!
>
I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."  So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.  "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the  circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
>
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.">
>
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
>
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

 

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

(English phrase)                     Chinese interpretation
>Are you harboring a fugitive?        - HU Yu Hai Ding ?
>See Me A.S.A. P                     - Kum Hia Nao
>Stupid Man                         - Dum Gai
>Small Horse                         - Tai Ni Po Ni
>Did you go to the Beach?             - Wai yu so Tan ?
>I bumped into a coffee tabel        - Ai bang mai Ni
> I think you need a facelift             -     Chin Tu Fat
> It's very dark in here                 - Wai su Dim?
> Has your flight been delayed?        -     Hao long Wei Ting?
> I thought you were on a diet?        -     Wai yu Mun Ching?
> This is a tow away zone             -    No Pah King
> Do you know the lyrics to the macarena?    Wai yu sing Dum Song?
>You are not very bright                 -     Yu so Dum
> I got this for free                     -     Ai no Pei
> I am not guilty                     -     Wai Hang Mi?
> Please staya little longer             -    Wai go nao ?
> Our meeting was scheduled for next week.     Wai Yu Kum Nao?
> They have arrived                     -     Hia Dei Kum
> Stay out of sight                     - Lei Lo
> He is cleaning his car                 -     Washing ka
> Your body odor is offensive        -     Yu sting Ki Po

Sent in by : Manang Lita de Jesus

BACKSEAT DRIVER
A Story for all Ages
_____________________________

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's
the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80!" (The man gives his wife
a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail
light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks!"
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not
wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to
the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt!"

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

From Gus Mercado
Dallas, Texas

Always remember those who serve

     In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?", the boy asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired.
     Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.
    The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip.
from Rika Lazo
Hines, Illinois

PINOY NAMES List of Pilipinos who changed their names when they became U.S. citizens:
===============================
Dahil sa nananatiling 'Colonial Mentality' ng ating mga kababayan, marami ang nagpapalit ng kanilang mga pangalan matapos silang sumumpa ng kanilang US citizenship. Sa ibaba nitong liham ay mga halimbawa ng mga datihang Pilipino na tuluyan ng itakwil ang kani-kanilang pangalang Pilipino: PANGALANG PILIPINO ipinalit na AMERICAN NAME

 

The Important Things Life Teaches You

2 ~ Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict- filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address, thanked him and drove away. Seven days went by and a
knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.
A special note was attached. It read:
Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away.
God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole

1 ~ Most Important Question

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke.
I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Sent by Rika Lazo
Hines, Illinois


PINOY LINGO (Unauthorized English-Filipino dictionary)
1. aspect - pantusok ng yelo
2. backlog - bacon saka egg
3. beehive - magpakatino ka
4. cdrom - tingnan mo ang kwarto
5. city - bago mag-utso (commonly heard in the Visayas)
6. cattle - doon nakatila ang hali at leyna
7. debug - ang ipis
8. dedicated - pinatay ang pusa
9. deduct - ang pato
10. defeat - ang paa
11. defense - ang bakod
12. detail - ang buntot
Use the words "deduct, defense, defeat and detail" in one sentence.
Answer: "Deduct jumped over defense -- defeat first and then detail!"

13. defer - ang balahibo
14. deflate - ang plato
15. defrag - ang palaka
16. delusion - e di maluwag
17. depends - (see defense)
18. deposit - ang gripo
19. depress - nagkasal sa persuading (see persuading)
20. detest - ang eksamin
21. devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang 'V'
22. devastation - 'dun sasakay ng bus
23. devote - ang boto
24. dilemma - brownout, a!
25. effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
26. forums - apat na kwarto
27. it depends - kainin mo ang bakod
28. july - nagsinungaling ka ba?
29. statue - ikaw ba 'yan?
30. protestant - tindahan ng prutas.
31. predicate - pakawalan mo ang pusa
32. profit - patunayan mo
33. persuading - unang kasal
34. tenacious - sinusuot sa paa
35. thesis - ito ay
36. torpedo - shy; takot manligaw
37. zoology - ang sayans ng pagtatahi

BE SPECIAL TO OTHERS

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died. The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:
1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words....it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.

Be Special to others.

THE WOMAN'S PLACE THAT'S GOT TO CHANGE

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily
walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait
recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind
their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is
marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this
reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines!"

-- From Gus Mercado
Dallas, Texas