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Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

-Oops!
- Has anyone seen my watch?
-That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
-Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
-Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
-OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
-Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
-Come back with that!
-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
-Hand me that...uh...that uh....
-If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
-Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
-Damn, there go the lights again...
-Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
-Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
-Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
-I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
-Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
-The floor's clean, right?
-What do you mean, he's not insured?
-This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
-Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
-What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
-I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
-Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
-That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
-Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
-Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
-Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
-FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Contributed by Jude Barcenas, a financial planner. He may be reached at barcenas@dhc.net.

George and God

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof) the light goes on, when I'm done (poof) the light goes off.""Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said,"George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through (poof) the light goes off?

Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Sent in by L.Tipay, Dallas,TX 6/28

Is Hell Exothermic or endothermic?

the following is an actual question given on a Univ. of Washington chemistry mid term test. The answer was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. BONUS TEST QUESTION: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat) ?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell. lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go the Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell toincrease exponentially.> Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, " that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and taking into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze".

The student received the only "A" given.

Sent in by L.Tipay, Dallas,TX

Contributed by Jude Barcenas, a financial planner. He may be reached at barcenas@dhc.net.

Is Hell Exothermic or endothermic?

The student received the only "A" given.

Sent in by L.Tipay, Dallas,TX

Four expectant fathers....

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting
room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man,"congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never
let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the
3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse
rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"

Forwarded by Michelle Santos from Garland
_________________________

Erap's French Class

* French Class

CITY...........................Ce vou
>
DRUGS..........................Sha vou
>
GOODBYE........................Va vou
>
BALD...........................Cal vou
>
CAUGHT IN THE ACT..............Na vou cou
>
FEATHERS.......................Valahi vou
>
NOT CLEAR......................Ma la vou
>
SINK...........................Lava vou
>
ERAP...........................Vou vou

Sent in by Patty1101 from Chicago

Wanna Bet

An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the teller's window that she wished to deposit the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the amount of money involved.

The teller thought that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately $3,000,000, telephoned the bank president's secretary for an appointment for the lady. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million. "I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved in her betting. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer." The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?" She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank's president's balls in my hand."

Sent in by DParpana 1/17/2000

4 Philippine Presidents

Marcos...the Martial Law president

Cory...the EDSA president

Ramos...the centennial president

Erap...the millennium bug.

PINOY NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Da night bepor Christmas
An all tru da house
Nating pas
Not eben a mouse.

Da children dey nossie
all snog on da ploor
An Mama puts newspepper
Tru da crack on da dor.

Den Mama in da stobe
Roost up da manuk
Steer up da adobo
An make bake da biko.

Den out on da rud
Dey got such a clatter
Soun like old manong
Pull down da ladder.

I run so past
To open da dor
I trip ober da dog
An paull down on da ploor!

As I look out da dor
In da light ob da moon
I tinking "apo, you cresy
I'm gitting old too soon."

Becus dere on da rud
Wer I turn my head
Dere's eight carabao
Pulling a sled
An a little driber
Wit a big ishtick
I know right away
must be St Nick.

Mob paster an paster
Da carabao dey come
He wistle an holler
An call dem by nim:
"Oy, Boogy!
Oy, Ninoy!
Oy, Dong!, an' Bebe!
Ay, Inday!
Ay, Melda!
Cory, an Maria!"

To da top ob da porch
To da top ob da wall
Crawl da carabao
An dey neber pull.

Uncle Onsing's pighting chicken
Ober da rooptop he ply
Wen da big dog
He running by

Up to da porch
Da carabao he clim!
Wit da sled pull of toys
An St Nicklas behin.

Den on top of da porch roop
It soun like hell
Wer all dem carabaos
Sit down on der till.

Den down da chimney
I yill por long time
As St Nicolas pull down
An sit on de pire

"Jesus-Maria-Sep!", he exclim
"My pant hab a hole
Wen I sit down
On da rid hot coal,"
An jump like a cat
out to da ploor
Where he lan wit a splot!

He was dress in pur
Prom his head to his poot
An his clothes dey all dirty
Wit ashes an soot
A sock pull ob playting
He trow on his back
He look like a boorglar
An dats por a pahct.
His eyes how dey shine
His dimple, how mirrey!
Mebe he alredy drink
Da wine prom da birry.
His chik was like a rose
His nose like a chirry
On secon tought mebe
He drink up da shirry.

Wit snu-white chin wisker
An quibering billy
He shik wen he lop
Like da strubirry jelly!

But a wink in his eye
An a shake ob his hid
Mik my compidence dot
I no nid to be skirred.

He don' talk
He juss go to his woork
Put playting in sock.

An den he turn wit a jerk
He put bot his han
On top ob his hid
An look up da chimney

An den he said
"Wit all dat pire
An dat burning hot plim
I no go back
De sim way I kim."

So he run out da door
An he clim up da roop
He is no pool
Por to make one more goop.

He jump to his slid
An crock his big wip
Da carabaos mob down
An don mik one slip

An I hir him shout loud
Wit da carabaos he ply
"Mirry Christmas to all!
An to all a goodbye!"

.......end.....

Sent in by Edwin Romualdo, Philippines

WORDS When you rearrange the letters
here's what is formed
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dormitory                              Dirty Room
Desperation                          A Rope Ends It
The Morse                            Code Here come Dots
Slot Machines                      Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity                             Is No Amity
Mother-in-law                        Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms                      Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness                      Genuine Class
Semolina                              Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries         Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point                     I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes                    That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two                      Twelve plus one
Contradiction                         Accord not in it
Astronomer                            Moon Starer
Princess Diana                      End Is A Car Spin

AND HERE IS THE MOST INTRIGUING PART ......

Year Two Thousand                  A Year To Shut Down

Forwarded by: P.Naparsteck of Chicago

Let us thank God for

1. The Philippines our place of birth.
2. The U.S.A. our adopted country.
3. Our family our inspiration and reason for living.
4. Our relatives that share in our joy and frustration.
4. Our friends that make living a little bit easier.

Watch out for your words as you prepare your turkey this thanksgiving.

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

His forehead wet with beads of sweat.

He laid her on the table so white clean and bare.

He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms....

He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast.

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

The hole was wide...he looked inside

All was dark and murky.

The slit was wet and all was set,

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

And then drooling felt her thigh.

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Whew...that's one terrific spread!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"And he forces his way into the end zone!"

"It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip,
nothing squirts out."

He gave a joyous cry

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these
people at once?"

And then he stuffed the turkey.

Just reach in and grab the giblets.

"It's cool whip time!"

Sent in by Manny Acuna

Remember When...

A computer was something on t.v.
from a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a t.v. show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3" floppy
you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for awhile
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened in your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web site was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Some French lessons .....
(For true blue Pinoys)
Military uprising - coup de etat
Military execution - coup de grace
Military toilet - coup beta
Military sickness - coup le ra
Military tree - coup coup nut
Military idiot - coup lang coup lang
Military fool - lo coup lo coup
Military siren - coup ledesma
Military cook - coup sinero
Military miser - coup ripot
Military wife - coup mander
Military problem - coup rakot
Military snake - coup bra
Military cigar - taba coup
Military drink - coup ca coup la
Military camera - coup dak
Military pain - aray coup
Military motel - biglang li coup
Military intelligence - coup lang
Military money - coup sing
Military kitchen - coup sina
Military bug - coup toh
Military calesa driver - coup chero
Military booger/snot - coup langot
Military x-mas - pas coup
Military elbow - si coup
Military k-ration - coup chinta
Military whitewash - coup ber up
Military competitor - coup lelat
Military interjection - Ay, na-coup!
Military confusion - na-coup-rta na ang utak
Military mistress - coup-lasisi
Military witch - mang coup-coup lam
Military Fort - coup-ta
Anti-Military Bases movie - Sa coup-coup ng agila
Military concern sa Spratleys - coup-coup ng dragon
Military Hunchback of Notre Dame - Coup ba
Military city - Coup bao
Military Mexican song - Coup coup roo coup coup
Military hair-do - nag pa-coup-lot
Military gimmick - pa-coup-lo
Military dog - s-coup-be- doo
Military province - Coup tabato
Military Mexican food - Ta-coup Bell
Military Indian - Coup manche
Military gas station (US joke) - Ar coup
Military blanket - Coup mot
Military Strong Drink - Vino Coup-la-fu

Sent in by Edgar Joves, QCSHS 74

TRUE FILIPINO
IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS, YOU ARE NOT A TRUE FILIPINO

> use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
> (phone rings) ... hello? who SCHOOLING?

> use AFFECT in a sentence.
>> maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.

>use ADIEU in a sentence.
>> if you are ADIEU, the arabs will kill you.

>use DECANTER in a sentence.
>> you can order that medicine over DECANTER.

> use DELETION in a sentence.
>> the balat of DELETION is crispy.

> use DESPISE in a sentence.
>> who baked all DESPISE?

> use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a sentence.
>> i am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL consent so he can go to the picnic.

AND NOW FOR THE FILIPINOS WHO CAN READ AND UNDERSTAND TAGALOG:
>>
> use BORROW in a sentence.
>> *ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo.

> use CAESAREAN in a sentence.
>> *lintek anak, mag-ingatka, CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo!

> use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence.
>> *pare, ang dami-daming pagkain, pero, CONTEMPLATE.

> use ARTESIA in a sentence (if you don't know what this is, it's a city (or street) at the L.A. COUNTY in CALIFORNIA)
> *nako naman, ang ganda-ganda nang bebot na 'yon, pero, ma-ARTESIA.

> use CADET in a sentence.
>> *CADET ko si maria nung isang gabi. ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET niya.

> use CARDIAC in a sentence.
>> *na CARDIAC 'yong kotse ni pedro noong isang gabi.

> use CENTURION in a sentence.
>> *na-CENTURION is pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokuhan niya.

> use DEDICATE in a sentence.
>> *pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong DEDICATE 'yan.

> use DELICACY in a sentence.
>> *bagal mo ... DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo.

> use DIFFUSION in a sentence.
>> *brown-out ... siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok.

> use LAITY in a sentence.
>> *taga LAITY si imelda marcos.

AND LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST:

> use MENTION in a sentence.
>> *ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION.

Sent in by Jesse Nievera '74

Excuses for sleeping in your cube
It's okay...I'm still billing the client.
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter, not harder.
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance
I'm in the management training program
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work! "
I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?
" Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broke.... Someone must've put decaf. in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?
I was cross-training for telecommuting.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
I wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

Sent in by: SLeimkuhl

Real notes written from parents in a Texas school district.
>
> Original spellings left intact: "Excuse Notes from Parents"
> These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original
> spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh,
> University Texas Medical
> Branch @ Galveston

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
>
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
>
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
>
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
>
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
>
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
>
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]
>
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
>
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
>
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
>
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
>
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
>
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
>
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
>
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
>
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
>
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Forwarded by: Dyna A. of Mesquite

THE VAN GOGH FAMILY OF THE PHILIPPINES
>
>Grandpa who was tortured during World War II - Na Lahti Gogh
>A happy cousin who likes to sing - La Sing Gogh
>In-law who is serving time in Muntinlupa - Vinny Lang Gogh
>The dermatologist aunt - Dr. Kuh Lou Gogh
>The olympian athlete niece - Reddy Ghetzett Gogh
>The cousin who sells sweepstakes tickets -Vino Bolah Salin' Gogh
>Uncle who works at the Race Track - And Deer Deeh Gogh
>The gourmet uncle from Hawaii - Haluhalu Widsa Gogh
>The Uncle who left his wife - Pleez Don Gogh
>The wife who left uncle - I Vana Gogh
>The ballroom dancer aunt - Tan Gogh
>Overstaying relative in America - Tagoh Nang Tah Gogh
>Retarded niece who everyone was ashamed of - Tina Gogh
>Vegetarian uncle - Mung Gogh
>Auntie who is producer of violent films - Purudu Gogh
>Cousins who works at Manila Zoo - Chong Gogh
>Rich uncle who owns chain of fast food restaurants - Order to Gogh
>Nephew working on a ranch and drives a stage coach - Wells Far Gogh
>Homeless relative -Ahyaw Ma Lee Gogh
>Cousin who graduated from PMA and always leads a coup - Grin Gogh
>Cousin dumped by a girlfriend- Bee Gogh
>The Van Gogh family pinoy talk show - Showbiz Lin Gogh
>The Van Gogh family favorite fish - Besuh Gogh
>Relative who practices "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" - Lee Goh Nang Lee Gogh
>Relative who does not practice "Cleanliness is next to Godliness"-Dinah Lee Lee Gogh
>Cousin who is always out on weekends - Gogh Nang Gogh
>What to say when you invite the Van Goh family out - Let's Gogh
>Accident prone relative - Puro Bong Gogh
>The relative who moved to Yugoslavia - Yu Gogh
>The brother who bleeched his clothes white - Hue Gogh
>The sister who likes dancing in bars - AhGo Gogh
>The brother who ate a lot of prunes - Gotta Gogh
>The uncle who works in a convenience store - Stop N Gogh
>The aunt who is scared of heights - Verti Gogh
>The Mexican cousin who moved to Illinois - Chica Gogh
>Favorite fruit of the Van Gogh family - Mang Gogh
>Latest addition to the family - Bah Gogh
>Just arrived grandparent not getting due respect from american "apos" -Naniniba Gogh
>Black sheep of Van Gogh family - Bar Room Bah Gogh or Tah Ran Tah Gogh
>Those who don't get these jokes after reading it for the second time -Ma Nga Ga Gogh
>Those who don't get these jokes at all - Pinaka Ga Gogh
>Those who don't like these jokes at all - Please Gogh

Sent in by Pinky Valera of Rowlett & DMagtoto>

Y2K Compliant

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!! >>
Forwarded by KKAIA

The Right Man For the Job

The CIA A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious!
>
I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
>
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.">
>
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
>
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

(English phrase)                     Chinese interpretation
>Are you harboring a fugitive?        - HU Yu Hai Ding ?
>See Me A.S.A. P                     - Kum Hia Nao
>Stupid Man                         - Dum Gai
>Small Horse                         - Tai Ni Po Ni
>Did you go to the Beach?             - Wai yu so Tan ?
>I bumped into a coffee tabel        - Ai bang mai Ni
> I think you need a facelift             -     Chin Tu Fat
> It's very dark in here                 - Wai su Dim?
> Has your flight been delayed?        -     Hao long Wei Ting?
> I thought you were on a diet?        -     Wai yu Mun Ching?
> This is a tow away zone             -    No Pah King
> Do you know the lyrics to the macarena?    Wai yu sing Dum Song?
>You are not very bright                 -     Yu so Dum
> I got this for free                     -     Ai no Pei
> I am not guilty                     -     Wai Hang Mi?
> Please staya little longer             -    Wai go nao ?
> Our meeting was scheduled for next week.     Wai Yu Kum Nao?
> They have arrived                     -     Hia Dei Kum
> Stay out of sight                     - Lei Lo
> He is cleaning his car                 -     Washing ka
> Your body odor is offensive        -     Yu sting Ki Po

Sent in by : Manang Lita de Jesus

BACKSEAT DRIVER
A Story for all Ages
_____________________________

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's
the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80!" (The man gives his wife
a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail
light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks!"
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not
wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to
the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt!"

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

From Gus Mercado
Dallas, Texas

Always remember those who serve

     In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?", the boy asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired.
     Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.
    The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip.
from Rika Lazo
Hines, Illinois

PINOY NAMES List of Pilipinos who changed their names when they became U.S. citizens:
===============================
Dahil sa nananatiling 'Colonial Mentality' ng ating mga kababayan, marami ang nagpapalit ng kanilang mga pangalan matapos silang sumumpa ng kanilang US citizenship. Sa ibaba nitong liham ay mga halimbawa ng mga datihang Pilipino na tuluyan ng itakwil ang kani-kanilang pangalang Pilipino: PANGALANG PILIPINO ipinalit na AMERICAN NAME

Rogelio Dagdag Roger Moore
Francisco Portero Frank Porter
Bienvenido Jurado Ben Hur
Juan Tampipi John Samsonite
Victoria Malihim Victoria's Secret
Restituto Fruto Tutti Fruti
Casimiro Bocaycay Cashmere Bouquet
Veneracio de Asis Venereal Disease
Alfonso de Asis Alzheimer's Disease
Topacio Mamaril Top Gun
Eliutario Ignacio Electronic Ignition
Juanito Lakarin Johnny Walker
Esteban Pagtakhan Stevie Wonder
Leon Mangubat Tiger Woods
Burgos Reyes Burger King
Ligaya Almundo Joy Totheworld
Maria Natividad Mary Christmas
Ligaya Anonuevo Happy NewYear
Federico Hagibis Federal Express

The Important Things Life Teaches You

2 ~ Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict- filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address, thanked him and drove away. Seven days went by and a
knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.
A special note was attached. It read:
Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away.
God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole

1 ~ Most Important Question

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke.
I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Sent by Rika Lazo
Hines, Illinois

PINOY LINGO (Unauthorized English-Filipino dictionary)
1. aspect - pantusok ng yelo
2. backlog - bacon saka egg
3. beehive - magpakatino ka
4. cdrom - tingnan mo ang kwarto
5. city - bago mag-utso (commonly heard in the Visayas)
6. cattle - doon nakatila ang hali at leyna
7. debug - ang ipis
8. dedicated - pinatay ang pusa
9. deduct - ang pato
10. defeat - ang paa
11. defense - ang bakod
12. detail - ang buntot
Use the words "deduct, defense, defeat and detail" in one sentence.
Answer: "Deduct jumped over defense -- defeat first and then detail!"

13. defer - ang balahibo
14. deflate - ang plato
15. defrag - ang palaka
16. delusion - e di maluwag
17. depends - (see defense)
18. deposit - ang gripo
19. depress - nagkasal sa persuading (see persuading)
20. detest - ang eksamin
21. devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang 'V'
22. devastation - 'dun sasakay ng bus
23. devote - ang boto
24. dilemma - brownout, a!
25. effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
26. forums - apat na kwarto
27. it depends - kainin mo ang bakod
28. july - nagsinungaling ka ba?
29. statue - ikaw ba 'yan?
30. protestant - tindahan ng prutas.
31. predicate - pakawalan mo ang pusa
32. profit - patunayan mo
33. persuading - unang kasal
34. tenacious - sinusuot sa paa
35. thesis - ito ay
36. torpedo - shy; takot manligaw
37. zoology - ang sayans ng pagtatahi

BE SPECIAL TO OTHERS

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died. The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:
1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words....it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.

Be Special to others.

THE WOMAN'S PLACE THAT'S GOT TO CHANGE

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily
walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait
recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind
their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is
marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this
reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines!"

-- From Gus Mercado
Dallas, Texas